Presidential debate correspondent and aggressive pen-monkey, Chuck Wendig, infiltrated the town-hall-styled presidential debate Tuesday, October 16. As he crouched beneath moderator Candy Crowley’s desk, fogging up his glasses with his own moist exhalations, he tweeted to the public the historical events as they transpired. This is a complete transcript of Mr. Wendig’s coverage:
Glimpses of Obama pre-debate confirm aggressiveness. He is seen biting a rattlesnake in half and chugging its blood and venom.
Obama then yells: “Welcome to Barack-Town! Population: My Foot In Your Ass.”
Romney wins the coin toss, which means he gets first chance to fake wash a bunch of pots to show his fake support for the poor.
Romney: “I want you to get a job! But China ate them all.”
Romney: “I’m going to make sure you can get hired to make iPhones in a Shanghai sweatshop.”
Romney: “My plan to put people back to work is to undo the Republican dick-jam clogging up Congress’ pipes like an old tampon!”
Obama: “I got a five-point plan, too. Five fingers form a fist and punch Mittens in his crotch-wallet. BOOM.”
Man in audience asks: “Why are you a Muslim Kenyan Martian Socialist Gay Married Christmas-Hater?” Is unmasked as Donald Trump.
Romney just answers the next question by licking his fingers and smoothing his eyebrows, then chuckling.
Romney holds up a golf ball: “This is clean coal!” Then he sets it on fire and warms his hands by it.
Obama: “Truth is, Governor Romney is a lying-faced liar that lies, and his pants are on fire. And full of poop.”
Asked about renewable energy, Romney just squeezes his hair, drinks it, spits it into a Zippo flame and BOOSH.
Now they’re just hitting each other with their microphones. WHUMP BOONG FWUMP FFFMMM BUMP
Obama starts explaining economic theory. Romney makes fart noises and monkey sounds in the background.
(In a brief moment of seriousness, Chuck comments on Romney as being “a smug douchenozzle.”)
Question from audience: “Governor, how do you plan to pay for all your tax cuts?” Romney: “Chinamen. I mean, Keebler elves.”
Romney is now holding the moderator’s head in a toilet bowl he appears to have brought from home.
Romney: “I want to help those middle class families that earn more than a frabjillion dollars per year.”
Upon hearing his name, Bill Clinton rides in on a Kodiak bear wearing a gladiator costume. Bronzed and oiled.
Romney: “I am going to force the wealthy to pay more tax–HAHAHA heehee I can’t do it sorry! I josh! I josh!”
Obama: “Romney’s plan will cost us five trillion dollars.” Romney: “I make that much in a week!”
While Obama is speaking, Romney is wandering around the audience selling snake oil and bad mortgages.
The moderator just pulled out a Taser.
Outside the debate, Big Bird just doused himself in gas and set his golden feathers ablaze.
Romney: “I love affirmative action. That’s a Republican thing, right? It’s not? I hate affirmative action.”
Romney: “I love women. I smack their asses when they do a good job. I give them kisses & candies. They prefer that to raises.”
Romney: “I think abortions are delicious. Wait, what are we talking about?”
Romney: “I GET NEXT ANSWER WAIT SHUT UP ME NOW NEXT FIRST I SAY THINGS NOW STOMPY STOMPY BOO BOO.”
Romney: “I will trade our women to China and that will balance our budget.”
Obama: “I promise to hunt and kill Honey Boo Boo. And film it. Seal Team Six stands ready.”
The moderator is loading a handgun. For herself? Remains unclear.
Obama: “Here is Osama bin Laden’s head. Let us now play kickball with it and end this charade.”
Obama firmly strokes his turgid erection. Bill Clinton and he lock eyes, and share a wink.
Romney: “Obama only did 92% of the things he said he’d do. Zing! Gotcha, nerd! Go back to Kenya!”
Woman asks about immigration. Romney explains that they will serve in an annual “Hunger Games” event.
Romney: “Immigrants can bow out of the Hunger Games provided they agree to serve as building materials.”
Romney explains that his strategy is “to say whatever works to make you like me, When that fails, I will release angry bees.”
Romney: “I sucked four years ago. Hell, I was high on goofballs during the GOP primaries. You shouldn’t quote me.”
(Reflecting on the events with another rare moment of sincerity, Chuck had this to say: “I just want Obama to punch Romney in the ear, Fight Club-style.”)
Obama: “In my next four years I will enact legislation to punish those who interrupt during debates. Seal Team Six is ready.”
Romney just had a terrorist attack in his pants.
Obama gets mad, Shoots lasers out of his eyes. Buzzsaw blades from his mouth.
Obama: “I want to keep guns out of the hands of orangutans, clowns, postal workers, children, grandchildren, and Republicans.”
Romney: “I think children should be raised by guns. Straight guns, Not gay guns. Because, ew.”
Weird. Romney has a dead dog strapped to the top of his podium.
(Gripped by a fever of lucidity, Chuck tweeted: One of these guys is a President. The other is a CEO. Choose wisely.)
The moderator is unlocking a tiger cage.
They pan over the audience. Turns out, undecided voters are basically a pack of unwashed hobos. One guy is sniffing his hands.
Romney: “The key to getting tough on China is enacting legislation to make sure we get crispy, spicy General Tso’s chicken.”
Romney: “I plan on solving immigration by sending Obamacare to China and then shooting Libya with guns and tax cuts.”
The undecided voter audience is now eating one another. I suspect bath salts. Or some kind of Walking Dead voodoo.
Romney: “China hacked my BIOS and made me say all kinds of crazy things during the primaries.”
Last question of the night: “Do you like anal?” Where do they get these people?
Obama and audience member named Barry form a detective team, Barry and Barry. This fall, on ABC.
Real debate: these two dudes seriously do not like one another. I really thought they were gonna start kickboxing or some shit.
As the president and former governor slowly drifted toward their respective females, and the audience cautiously swarmed the celebridential candidates, Chuck had this final observation to offer before strapping on a jet-pack and rocketing through the hall and out the window in the ladies room:
“Both candidates explode. Everyone dies.”
He offered a follow up when spotted later in a tree several blocks away: “The audience of that debate looked like shelves of mummies.”
Chuck Wendig is the spectacularly talented author of MOCKINGBIRD, a screenwriter of indescribable greatness, and free-lance pen-monkey capable of flinging poo with deadly accuracy. He keeps a regular blog you can (and will) check out immediately, and is highly followable on Twitter as @ChuckWendig. Go do these things. Regret will not follow. Or it will, but it’s the kind of regret you’ll keep reliving alone at midnight with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and your own tears for comfort.
“Set phasers to love me” indeed!